October 01, 2012

"Lift up your shirt, I need my vitamins."

"You're Debbie Downer and I'm Debbie Does Dallas."

"It took all of his fat guts to come over and talk to us." 

"Hey you, stop staring at my fireplace."

"I wouldn't talk to me, I look mean and expensive." 

"He looks like Richard Gere, without the gerbil." 


September 28, 2012

"You remind me of myself when I used to be a slut." 
"I thought of you when my doctor tickled my feet." 

"I just got bit and it wasn't a guy, what a shame." 

"It smells like pee and bad choices in there." 

"A book dies every time you watch The Kardashians."

"I'm not going anywhere, I just took off my underwear." 

"I've seen you naked so many times I feel like I owe you money." 

(the perks of being my roommate) 


September 18, 2012

"Wedgie-town, population 1."

"He's not christian but you can baptize him when he's sleeping." 
"If I'm the moral voice in this house, you're both fu**ed." 

"Tie my shoe woman, I can't reach." 
"I don't want to put a wiener between our friendship." 
"What's my secret power? I can see through bullshit."

"Mom- Well I do like Pitbull. 
Me- Who?
Mom- Its hiphop dear." 

August 09, 2012

"I'm able to be a pervert without being creepy." 

August 08, 2012

"I'm a man. I'm stupid. How do you not know this about us yet?" 
"Even if you were a bitch, I'd marry you just for your looks." 
"P.S, if you decide to be gay for a day, I volunteer." 

"I hope my life is as fun as my Instagram."

August 07, 2012

"My spiritual name is Bunny, so is my stripper name." 

"The first time I wore that dress, it came right off." 
"My life right now is like a Beyonce video, I'm just so independent."

"Try not to slip on a banana peel and fall on a d#*k." 


July 01, 2012

"If I was Jesus, I’d make all kinds of animals. I’d make a human shark. I’d make YOU a human shark."

-Elliot (7 yrs old)

June 29, 2012

"I wanna cry. But I'm heartless so I won't."

"You tried to wrestle with me today and I turned it into a cuddle. That felt good."


June 16, 2012

"I'm scarred, I need my mommy." -Me 

"I need your mommy too, she's hot." -Andre

(yeah mom, still got it) 

May 24, 2012

"No, no, no don't quote me. Give other people a chance." 

"Alcohol may save our relationship."

May 11, 2012

"I'm trying not to find the cure for anything so I have job security."

(this is who we have working on Hep C, sorry Pamela)

May 10, 2012

"How many times do I have to tell you?! I'm your best friend!!"

"He was nice, he didn't even kick me out of his house." 


May 08, 2012

"It's hard not to be a creep when there's a Catholic high school next-door." 

May 07, 2012

"F Hitler. I'm gonna create my own perfect race. What's the perfect race? Anything with my DNA."

"The universe is in your uterus." 

-Sam (see comment above)

May 04, 2012

"Ima stalk the sh*t out of you." 
"Freak'n Pinterest made me fat."


May 03, 2012

"You better manage your squad. Wheels start falling off and homies get their pinky toes broken." 


May 02, 2012

"I would have sex with him, even while he's holding his baby."


May 01, 2012

"I'm closed for business....since birth."

"To really appreciate the true beauty of a man, you have to see him with his shirt off." 


April 30, 2012

"What?! I didn't try to rape you! If I attempt rape I succeed."

"You're a bad mom..we are meant to be together." 


"He's so sensitive. That's why it's so fun bringing him down."